i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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