Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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