I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
