I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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