I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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