i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
