I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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