I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
