Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
