Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
