Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Need sex. Gaining weight.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
