I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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