In the future we'll all be gay
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
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Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
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"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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