ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
