Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
