Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
