mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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