I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
no, he came in my armpit
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
