my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
