Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
