There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
