WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
