I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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