R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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