Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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