I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
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