Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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