Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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