why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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