I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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