sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
