We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
