My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
