Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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