Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
