Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
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curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
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She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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