Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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