i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
