I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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