i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
