So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
