People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
