if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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