I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
