New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
