I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
