the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
