I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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