no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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