i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
