I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
