I wish my penis had an off switch
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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