DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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