At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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