Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
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we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
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I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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