I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
