Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
