If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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