I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
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She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
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That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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