i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
