So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
